Come Back to Me Then Go Away

Diary 31st December 1993

“I had bought Martini Dry, vodka, gin and White Lightening cider yesterday. Consumed lots of it”.

Diary 1st January 1994

“Trevor received a visit from myself – ‘First Footing’ – wearing my kilt, bringing cake, coal and Scotch whiskey”

I know about the devices to resist.
I am a magician I have made things disappear
Relationships, possessions, and that all important factor: feelings.
Mike was working his magic in the very next room
A slight of hand involving a glass and a bottle
Reducing a lifetime of experience
To one reoccurring decision.

There is magic and there is illusion
Illusion may not permanently deprive.
I liked magic … Once.

Diary 15th January

“ld films on TV – 50 to 60 years old. I saw some of them at boarding school all those years ago. When I see them again, they are often slightly different from my remembrance”.

I am the landlord of the archive, frequently letting my head out rent free.

Heroin and alcohol continually reneging on a short-term agreement.

Diary 18th January Tuesday

“The sunshine in the morning is wonderful – it’s a bit of a surprise to find myself, after so many years, enjoying everything”.

I can relate to that.
It is something that comes from within in spite of yourself,
The legacy of continual denial and compromise.
I remember a Liverpudlian pal called Davey.
Looking at me through the mesh dividing a prison van and saying:
“Cheer up it’s a fuckin’ great feeling when you get out”.
And then one day I got out.
Now Mike is next door working hard at getting out and…
I am not really sure where the door is.
I know about the devices to resist.

19th January Wednesday

“I had spent quite a lot on booze Monday – so had not much left for food today”

29th January

“A sort of cheese on toast day”

4th February

“Crew of 27 lost on the ship that sank 200 miles off Cornwall. An old rust bucket of a ship”.

The thoughts that sustain us.
What thoughts sustained Dame Margot Fonteyn
For twenty-four hours in a Panama jail?
Chanel No 5 retains its fragrance due to musk oil.

6th February

“First deep pain in left hand wrist – I hope that this is not the start of another acute attack of gout”.

9th February

“Elbow and shoulder very much weak and painful.”

Somebody said: “Where there is no strife – there is decay”,
the mixture that is not shaken decomposes”.
Somebody else said if you want to preserve something – pickle it.
It has been said: ‘if it feels good, do it’.
and we all know there are no free lunches.
There is magic and there is illusion.

7th March

“Resting quite a lot of the time – wrists very weak. Much pain – ankles”.

29th March

“Consumed much booze and food and vitamins – A, C and E. Feeling wonderfully well”.

Ruby and Regan shared the same birthday
She was an Irish singing sensation of the 1950s,
He cherished the memory of a mid-sixties’ placement
In a Northern asthmatic sanatorium
Everybody has their glory days.
That comforting memory, backlogged, retrievable.
I want to make new ones
that would remind me of something else.

2nd April

“Next Monday is a Bank Holiday – so I was able to draw two weeks pension. The money seemed to be spent damn quick – some booze and food and it seemed to be nearly all gone. Wonderful weather – some rain but sunshine too. Still the pain of gout – but feeling very well”.

16th May

“Up early – 4:30. Some food (roast duck) some booze (vodka). Wonderful to be able to eat and drink what the hell I like”.

In a borrowed car full of restaurant,
Frank the cross-dressing burglar turned up one night.
Our sessions usually lasted three days
and inevitably involved criminal acts.

26th May

First symptoms of another gout attack. Pain in knees and ankles”.

28th May

“Total loss of the use of my legs.”

30th May

“Out there in Fleet Walk young people are enjoying themselves – I’m stuck here not able to get off the bed”.

I do not ever recall stashing amphetamine in or under a bed.
It’s more suited to a car, taped to the transmission tunnel or
Cold high bathrooms.
The hem of heavy curtains is an environment
Conducive to the concealment of opiates
Slip the bag behind the weights.

14th June

“Made a slow and painful journey to the post office and shops”.

16th June

“Up at about 3:30 to see a late-night film – Sebastiane – a bit of a porno but interesting – a Derek Jarman job”.

Rita would occasionally stay
I cannot remember what I did
While she patiently practiced signatures
She taught me the importance of being earnest…
In shops.

15th August

“Brian arrived at about 10:30am – all the way from Oz. Lots of conversation and reminiscences then off to the balcony bar of the Palm Court – Torbay at its best – sparkling sea, clear blue sky. Then off to Dartmoor – bleak and wild but warm in the sun. Buckfastleigh, Holne, Hexworthy, Princetown, Two Bridges, Moretonhampstead etc. Brian had got a room at the Heritage Hotel, Torquay – so a few hours at the harbourside”.

It has been stated by numerous potential dead people
that an approximate departure date
For example - six months.
Tends to put life in perspective.
I do not want to find out.
Expectations and reality.

16th August

“Brian and myself to the Church House Inn at Torbryan – totally isolated and peaceful. Salad lunch and more conversation about the long gone past. Then it was goodbye – tearful for me”.

The last time I saw Rita
She was looking for business on City Road, St Pauls.
She was still my friend.

22nd August

“On the water wagon”.

24th August

“Withdrawal symptoms – like ants nibbling at my skin”.

Wet dreams wake you to the fact that you’re getting junk sick
and unless you feed it nothing will stop it.
You are the environment
and you must put your house in order.
It provided me with warmth and shelter.

17th September

Rain, rain and more rain”.

29th September

Stayed in all day – old films on the TV. Henry fifth from 1944 – much better than when I saw it first in that year. Some of the actors still going but most long dead and gone”.

Regan spills a drink on the carpet
he gets a cloth to wipe it up
Watching him I notice the area he is wiping is unaffected by the spillage.
I say to him: “Regan I can’t help you because I can’t help myself”.
He leaves.

31st October

“Weather mild – a bit damp. I was not able to get out for Halloween – not so very long ago I would go to the pubs and clubs in fancy dress – now, well time has gone by – but I wish that I could go out”.

29th November

“Up for about 6 hours ankles very painful”.

A Christian comes to the door asking for money.
I give them some time.

19th December

“To the Post Office to collect pension – rather nice that they always seem to remember me. Very squiffy on vodka and Barley Wine”.

25th December

“Mild and wet. Did not eat or drink much more than usual”.

I look up and down the road.
There is no sign of Regan.
I never see him again.

1st January 1995

“Optimistic as always. National Lottery hasn’t paid me a bean – yet”.

Key to text:

I had lived in a flat (a two roomed bedsitting affair) in Torquay years ago 1989-1993. I remember the date I moved in as I was in Amsterdam the day of the Kegworth crash; a Sunday. I flew back on BMI on the Monday. Moving in that week.

The neighbour in the other flat was called Mike. He was an alcoholic - quite a bright guy and had once had money. He had a connection to the landlord who was called Brian not to be confused with Mike's brother mentioned in the diary also called Brian. I believe Brian sort of looked after him. The rent was reasonable - I think he knew Mike when he had dough.

Mike was knocking on when I knew him - sometimes we'd sit up all night drinking and I remember him once saying to me: "Don't end up an old fart like me". It was a significant comment and hit home.

I eventually went off to rehab, cleaned up - Got some qualifications and enrolled at Dartington College of Arts. I was to make a 17-minute film called: "Come Back to Me Then Go Away" as part of my final year piece - a DVD exists somewhere.

While I was at Dartington I visited my old Torquay landlord Brian (where Mike lived) and asked if I could film in the property as it was quite unique to say the least - with views over the town and down to the harbour. A big old Victorian house on a hillside.

It transpired Mike had died early 1999. Brian said I could take or use anything in his flat as it was all going in the skip. He'd been dead in the flat for a couple of weeks before he was discovered. The windows had been left open and it looked like it his effects had been rummaged through.

However, I found his diary and that was to inspire this work.

The references within the text are as follows:

1/ Trevor; a biker type sometimes, lived in the basement originally from Guernsey.

2/ The landlord is called Brian. Brian is also the name of Mike's brother.

3/ Ruby was Ruby Murray the singer and family friend.

4/ Regan was an old pal we did house clearances together and his stepmother was apparently the illegitimate daughter of a Clarkes shoes heir - needless to say rather well off.

5/ Frank was from Bradford. We’d binge on amphetamine and sometimes nefariously obtain antiques.

6/ Rita was a woman I knew from Manchester - when I knew her in Torquay she worked as a barmaid - we used heroin together and I drove her around cashing cheques etc, later she was a sex worker in Bristol.

Regan didn't make it; he died in early 1993 and I started to clean up later that year.

By Gerry King