Kim Noble

18 years ago I attended an amusing and inspiring art exhibition by Kim Noble and Stuart Silver at London's Beaconsfield entitled, “We're Spending 4 Weeks at Beaconsfield, so Let’s Hope Everything Goes OK (Part 4).” I've been intrigued by Kim Noble ever since. Noble and Silver won several prestigious comedy awards and then after they split, Noble worked undercover at a B&Q in Barnstaple for six months. In an attempt to describe what he does Noble once offered: “I’m … just a fuken slug that slides along at night leaving a sticky mess behind. I hope that people will like it. Perhaps even relate to the sick mess. Sometimes people pour salt on me, but occasionally if the light is correct, the moonlight catches my glistening trail in such a way that for a few seconds I believe that I might be an artist.” After reading Kim’s replies to my daft questions below go and have a listen to some of Kim’s, Futile Attempts podcasts. Decide for yourself if Kim Noble is an artist or comedian. Or both. Or neither.

1) What good things happened to you today? Were there any magic moments?

This is after about 20 mins ... it was a lot worse earlier. I promise.

I’m writing this in my car, pulled-up on Chiswick lane. There was smoke billowing out of my polo’s car engine 20 mins ago . There’s a leak in the water coolant tank I’m guessing...Tank is empty...I had no Still water to top it up ... but I had a bottle of Sparkling Scottish Mountain Water from Sainsbury’s ... I used a bit of that. That was a really bad idea. So I’m waiting for the AA. When He (or she ... but it tends to be a he) shows up that will be a good thing and hopefully magical moment.

2) At what points in your life have you felt successful?

At any time before filling the water coolant with sparkling water..

3) Are you good in the kitchen? Do you have a favourite meal?

Not bad I’d say 6.5 out of 10. 10 being a celebrity chef. And curry.

The AA guy has just showed up. I think he has a better iPad than me.

4) What’s the best review you’ve ever had? Do you have a favourite quote that someone made about your work?

I don’t want to sound like Im sucking myself off here ... but I once got a 6 stars out of 5 in Time Out … that was nice ... it offset the zero stars out of 5 in a danish newspaper.

I also recently got 5 star rating on the app for my cleaning ... I left flowers all around their house.

“Just How Annoying is Kim Noble” — New York Times

“Kim Noble is a Genius” — The Times

(For exactly the same show)

5) Would you consider pretending to work at B&Q again? Do still sometimes put on the uniform?

Never say never ... but I haven’t donned the orange apron for over 2 years

6) Who is your favourite artist and why?

Richard. That’s the name on his AA jumper ... he found the issue straight away ... It was the fucken Thermostat Housing ... now he’s going to follow me to a garage.

And maybe M. Wallinger but if you ask me tomorrow I’d say someone else.

7) If you were a guest on Desert Island Discs would your choices include any Jazz or Opera?

No.

8) What aspects of your work has your mother enjoyed or approved of?

My mother is long suffering and bless her ... she’s seen me do some awful things ... in the name of art ... or what ever it is I do .... Last week I asked her if we could kiss with mouths open ... she said : “ok ... if you absolutely have to”

9) Are you worried about money?

As smoke poured from the engine ... I was expecting a big lay out ... its an old car ... you know ... over 100,000 on the clock ... a possible bill of £400 plus but …

The AA man (his name was richard) said a new thermostat housing would only be about £65 to replace ....

10) Were there any positive sides to the lockdown?

I now have a genuine excuse not to meet people.

11) Do you feel optimistic about 2021?

No but you could have exchanged “2021” for any year or noun and the answer would have been the same.

12) What are you favourite girls names?

Are you taking the fucken piss. Just the phrase: “girls names” makes me feel a bit ill.

I have a girls name, at school that wasn’t fun, so to ask what’s your favourite girls name is akin to what’s your favourite type of cancer.

13) What do you think is the best podcast you’ve made so far?

A striker is only as good as his last goal ... so I’d say episode 10 of Futile Attempts?

14) Do you mind being compared to Chris Morris? Do you think you're better than him?

No. And No

15) Which part of your face are you proudest of?

it appears I have a wonky eye. If you look at me straight ... they look wonky ... but it’s cos my right eye lid seems to be heavier … or contain more fat … so it droops down slightly over my eye ... I’m not proud of that ... I’m actually not proud of any feature.

16) What films never fail to make you laugh?

I tend to watch films over and over ... and kill them ... so none of them ... but if your putting a gun to my mums head and say answer ... I’d say Spinal Tap ... but I might just be saying that.

In a garage in an industrial estate near the M3 ... I said Good bye to Richard and to my blue polo. Goodbye my loves. You were both wonderful.

Futile Attempts Podcast Out Now.

Kim’s instagram.